Crazy

                  Crazy 

       I'm in chorus on my phone, and we're not really doing anything. My "friend" is lying on the risers in her boyfriend's lap, and they keep making out and touching each other. It's disgusting. Not to mention that he is my ex. That part doesn't really bother me as much. They're just irritating. He's 19 and she just turned 16. He's not even supposed to be in school because the seniors had their last day some time last week. He just follows her to all of her classes to make out. 

       Ugh. My next class is my foreign language. I have no idea why, but that class is so triggering. Maybe it's the preppy people who look down on everyone in there. Or my teacher. He hasn't done anything to me, but for some reason he makes me totally uncomfortable. He's a really good teacher. I just feel like he hates me. I feel like all of my teachers do. Even my chorus director. He has been my favorite teacher in high school but I feel like he hates me now. I feel the same with my friends. And my family. And everyone. 

       I feel like everyone judges me or talks bad about me whenever I walk by. Am I just being paranoid? I hate going up in front of a crowd now-- small or big-- because I feel like everyone is judging me. I never really had that problem before. I used to be confident in nearly everything. Especially music. But now I feel like I suck at even that. 

        I just want to be happy again!! 

War Against Ourselves

                      War Against Ourselves
         Everything has become so difficult.
School, family, friends... Life in general has just suddenly become too overwhelming to handle. I had been clean from cutting for a couple months, but it became a huge habit again, worse than ever. Both of my arms are sliced up/scarred along with my thighs and stomach. Sometimes I wonder if any of my teachers have noticed. Not that I want them to. I keep it covered to the best of my ability. My mom noticed and told my step dad. Oh, what fun that was.
        My mom was upset at first but looked into it and was a bit more sympathetic. Once my step dad got involved though, she transformed into a whoole new person. She suddenly became mad just as he had and yelled at me along with him. Great parents, right? They're not trying to understand. They made an appointment with a psychologist for me but cancelled it a few days later. Wtf? They also bought me scar cream because they think my scars are embarrassing. They don't want people to know there is something wrong with me. They want the world to think that our family is perfect and flawless. It's all an act though. I don't even consider it a family. No one in this "family" is there for each other. No one gives a damn about anything but food and money. We're broken.
        Speaking of the revolting word "food", I declared myself vegetarian a little less than two months ago. Guess who wasn't happy about that. Yup, my step dad. He yelled at me and told me that I'm not a vegetarian and that I just want attention. No, I just despise food and being vegetarian is a good way to eat less and it is healthier. Although I am 11 pounds underweight, I see myaelf as fat and disgusting. I'm fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat!
        Oh, and here's my favorite part. My parents lectured me a couple weeks ago about how I need a boyfriend. They said, "Having a boyfriend at your age is at your age is perfectly normal and you should have one! You two can go out alone together! You can have him over or go to his house and have some alone time!"
I asked them why the hell they were TRYING to get me alone with an immature, horny teenage boy. Normal parents would murder a boy who tried to do that with their teen daughter! And as a past victim of rape, them saying that made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable and upset. But, you know, it's okay to completely ignore my emotions and painful past. Everyone else does, so why not them too? Oh, and then they kept asking me if I was a lesbian because I don't have a boyfrind! Amazing, right?!
        I'm so fucking sorry I'm not the little whore that society wants me to be! I'm sorry I'm not perfect! I'm sorry I'm too damn fat and ugly to have a boyfriend! I'm sorry I don't have guys lining up tp fuck me like all these little high school sluts! I'm sorry I was raped when I was 9 YEARS OLD and it's too damn hard for me to trust anyone!! I'm sorry I was sexually harasssed in middle school and still am today! I'm sorry I'm FUCKED UP!!

      ~ I'm Only Human